I am nervous about “reopening society,” and it’s been difficult for me to understand why others are so eager to get back to Hobby Lobby and start swapping germs in the scrapbook aisle again. This weekend, however, as I watched people hurl themselves out of windows to seize upon the governor’s 57-step Back to the Normal plan, I realized I must have grossly underestimated the suffering of extroverts.
If you draw energy from interacting with others, the past six weeks have probably felt like a tiny box you couldn’t quite cram your outsized personality into. The world under quarantine is not structured to meet your needs in any way. You have had to carve out time, space, and resources to find ways to refill your heart meter. Work expectations and social expectations have required you to be uncomfortable and drained most of the time. You have had to swim against the societal current just to have the energy to function effectively. Goodness. I do feel bad for you.
Also.
GUESS HOW INTROVERTS HAVE FELT FOR THE PAST 130,000 YEARS OR SO, YOU GARRULOUS PARTY-THROWING TYRANTS.
Look, I don’t want you to suffer, especially since you’re so ill-equipped for it at the moment—unlike those of us created by a higher intelligence to absorb pain in silence—but it is about time you understood what it feels like to move through a society so inhospitable to your needs. The pre-pandemic world was designed for you people, what with all the going to work and the children’s birthday parties and the IKEAs, and before we locked down, the introvertedly inclined spent an incredible amount of energy just trying to get away from all of you.
And now you want to end our vacation.
I know we need to go out and stimulate the economy, and I know the majority of people enjoy being with other people. Believe me, I KNOW. But before you sink back into the warm waters of American sociability, remember how it feels to be you right now, extrovert-leaning human in quarantine. Remember this feeling next week when a friend declines the brunch invite. Remember this feeling much later, when you’re shaking your head at your coworker who always skips the after-work drinks. Remember this feeling forever, lest you someday harass your introvert friend for ditching a cookout to go home and play Zelda.
Remember, friendly people, that being incompatible with the social tide is exhausting, and that introverts have been carrying this cross since Ogg and Grogg first decided to merge sloth hunting expeditions. Remember Early Introvert Woman, settled comfortably in the corner of some cave, contentedly stroking a hand-reared squirrel, receiving a species-changing directive from her cave husband: “ME HUNT. YOU MAKE SMALL TALK WITH WIFE OF GROGG.” Think of that, and just bring us back a couple of succulents from IKEA, please, because we do like to have a plant to talk to now and then.
